I think the best lesson I’ve learned, since I’m feeling so down, is that you shouldn’t worry about the people who don’t worry about you. You’re just wasting time by doing that. If you’re currently asking yourself ‘how do I know whether they care about me?’, I’ve got the answer. You’ll know who your ‘real’ friends are, when you’re in real trouble. They should be there for you when you need them the most. Not just asking you once whether you’re okay, but actually offering you a listening ear or such. They can feel when you’re down, not only notice it after you’ve told them about it. I think I’ve wasted lots of time to people to who I don’t even mean anything, though, I also met amazing people, with who I now, can talk with about anything, knowing they will help me whenever I break down. It will take some time to realise, you’ve got probably just a couple of those people, but it will be worth it.
I currently have 2 feelings at the same time. I feel a lot happier than before because I know who is actually there for me, on who I can count. I also feel a lot happier because work is going well, while on the other hand.. I feel down because of school and all the stress at home. School is awful this year. I’ve never been so dissappointed in my grades, like.. ever. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t get higher grades. Other than that, my parents are picking on me every single day about anything. You’re not doing well enough at school, you’re spending too much on the internet, how was your schoolday?, how was work?, anything special?, did you get any grades?, you’re getting a bit fatter, why didn’t you buy this?, why didn’t you tell me that?, I don’t think you’ll pass this schoolyear, do you think it’s smart to go to erasmus, do you still want to become a doctor?, you should practice more on the piano, why are you eating so much?, blablablablablabla.. You’re probably thinking, they’re just trying to be interested in your life by asking you these questions. NO, THEY’RE NOT. They know I’m not doing well at school or pretty much anywhere, no matter how much I try, they just want to hear it from me. They want to hear that I admit I could’ve done more to get what I want, such as extra-work. They want me to do more than my teachers already ask me to do, which is a fucking lot. I want to ‘enjoy’ life, that’s why I’m not doing these extra things… ‘SCREW YOU’ is all I think these days..
Today I’m going to Erasmus Rotterdam to feel what it’s like to study there. To be honest, I don’t think I want to go to Erasmus, because I highly disliked the ambiance when I came there the first time. However, I’m giving it a shot as I got picked out with a couple other people. I’m really excited but also very nervous, since I have no idea who else will be there and whether I’ll like it there or rather want to go home.